As I eased into the tub tonight, I looked out the half open blinds hugging the window. The sky blazed a searing, orange pink fire that stirred my heart. I wanted to dash outside, reach into the sky and burn the tips of my fingers on the embers in the distance.
But I was stuck. I was immersed in a steaming tub of Dr. Teal’s “detoxify and energize” (which always worries me when it’s relatively close to bedtime) and the thought of my naked self running into the yard to have a moment with the sun’s goodbye… just didn’t…well, you know.
Instead, I texted R. If I couldn’t see it, maybe he could at least enjoy it. But by the time my wet fingers were able to type out a quick text, I glanced up and the sky was a pale pink. I put my phone down and looked up again and saw a lavender sky seeping through the window. My heart sank.
In an instant, my sky fire was gone.
It seems that is the theme of my weekend.
The eldest son came home yesterday. When he is with us, the happiness exudes. From all of us. He brings joy where ever he goes. Although he towers over me and essentially lives his own life, when he is home, I see the boy who I sat and built Legos with, the boy who drove his Cozy Coupe all over the house, the boy who welcomed me to motherhood. His visit was so brief. A flicker. A flash. But, I helped move some new (used) furniture into his little studio down by campus, stood on tip-toe to kiss his scruffy cheek (where did that come from?) and waved a fast and short goodbye. Lingering is never good or helpful.
In an instant, my Lego boy was gone.
This past week was a ‘boys’ week. That means that we have all our boys from Sunday to Sunday. And while it’s quite a bit more hectic; the messes pile up higher and the milk mysteriously disappears in copious amounts, it also means my brood is near. I can worry less, smile more, find more to bitch about while also finding more to savor. It’s a wild week, but it is THE epitome of ‘my cup runneth over’. Sunday evening became Wednesday morning which turned into Friday night and then Sunday noon.
In an instant, my cup was empty and boy week was gone.
After drying off from the detoxifying, energizing, sky blazing bath, I walked to my bedside table. I reached puckered fingers down to grab my moisturizer and staring up at me from amongst the piles of bracelets and receipts and lip gloss was my mom.
An old, tattered, black and white picture of my beautiful mom. There she was,timeless and amazing. My heart squeezed for the umpteenth time this night. How could one picture take me back to all the longing, all the missing, all the questions and hopes I still hold for someone who is gone?
When I reached down to pick up the photograph, my fingers burned a hot pink, sun fire, blazing burn. The weekend had come full circle.
And in an instant, she was with me. Here. Now. Always.